A harmonica plays in the background as we get a view of a neighborhood street with a park a few steps away. A narrator comments that “not all summer afternoons are filled with fun and freedom. Take it from me, I know from experience.” A kid is being picked on by 3 guys. Jared walks along the street and sees them.
Flashback to a scene where a little kid who looks like Jared is also being picked on in the same park. They are taunting him the same way that the older guys are taunting the kid Jared sees.
We return to the present and Jared starts walking over to the scene. The guys look up at him and the one who appears to be in charge comes forward, asking him what he wants.
Before the guy can finish his sentence, Jared takes a swing at him and knocks him to the ground. He looks briefly at him and then walks on to the next guy. He takes him out as well. He walks on to the last guy who’s holding the kid by the collar.
Jared grabs the guy’s wrist and wrenches his grip loose, punching him in the stomach. The guy collapses. He takes up the lead bully again and punches him in the face, sending him flying.
Flashback cuts in as the guy is flying to Jared-kid flying backwards. The bully is picking on a younger Jared. Time mixes and Jared is preying on his younger self. He realizes that something is amiss, but he continues to act out his role and pick on his younger self.
His younger self cries out “why won’t you leave me alone?” time flashes back to the past and a bully is standing where Jared was standing before. The bully advances on Jared-kid.
Time flashes back to the present and Jared crouches over the bully and places one hand on his throat and raises the other hand in a fist. The bully is struggling to breath.
We get an intense look of Jared’s eyes as he struggles with himself and we are taken back into a flashback.
The bullies are pinning Jared down and one of them is about to drool onto his face. He is trying desperately to free himself but he is unsuccessful.
Rapid cuts between past and present: the drool falling onto his face and Jared-older punching in the bullies face.
The screen is black and we hear the narrator’s voice along with the harmonica playing in the background. “Sometimes you have absolutely no control of those summer afternoons.”
The Jared is revealed sweeping the streets with a cop standing by, watching him. Jared is wearing handcuffs. There is a student reporter walking next to him with a pen and open notepad.
The voice comes back: “Actually, you always have control.” It becomes apparent that it is Jared’s voice. He speaks as he is sweeping the street. “Your choices affect what you do tomorrow. You got to think before you act, you know what I mean? The guy didn’t die nor nothing, but like, that didn’t matter to the judge you know? He said this wasn’t a game. Lemme tell you, when you’ve got three years of this ahead of you, you realize how easy it woulda been to not hit that guy.”
The screen fades to black with the sounds of the street still audible. The credits fade in and out. “It woulda been really easy, now that I think about it…”
-Fade-
I like the changes you've made since the initial dramatic moment. The condensation of the one plot into this one essential scene makes your point very powerful. I like the interweaving of the present and the past and I imagine you could use match objects very well.
ReplyDeleteI also like how you fit a moral into to short scenes: the fight and the punishment. It's not complicated like mine lol.
The only worry I have for this film is finding actors willing enough to take a real hit and make the beating realistic. I know you can find filmic ways around this, but having a (seemingly) real hit would better add drama to the film.
Can't wait to see it, I hope Bigue doesn't change it much, I want to see this.
Mmmmm. A little violence, flashbacks, A big kid named jared. I must say, the topic of bullying is classic, but it will be interesting to see you develop jared as a character and his struggle. I like how you put a quote/moral lesson at the end for all those violent, uncontrollable emotions....restraint....The treatment sounds good. I can't wait to see it. Really!!
ReplyDeletethe story is awesome, the bullying is kind of classic, but its pretty cool. the flashbacks are good, and overall, it was a good story.
ReplyDeletehas a very dark sinister feel.I like the fact that you actually help show the characters and actors through flashbacks and actual actions instead of just telling us what jared feels.
ReplyDeletei think this is a good concept, the whole bully idea is great because various people can relate to it. The only problem that i see is that u might have a hard time explaining the flashbacks, because it seems as if you are going to jump around to much, which might completely confuse the reader. Besides that this treatment is good i think it will be a good film to watch.
ReplyDeleteThis is hands down a great treatment. It shows the audience how someone can turn into someone they never saw in themselves. This also a confusing treatment which is good because I think you don't want the audience to know the story until it's over. I think your ready for scripting.
ReplyDeleteI like this idea you have. I like the juxtoposition(hah 5 dolla word) of the whole past and present thing. It's also pretty chill how you get the whole bully thing through: the vicious cycle of bullying and the whole regret angle of it. It's something that most people can relate to and it's a good idea. I suppose the hard parts would be the casting and getting just the right shots for the overlapping.
ReplyDeleteI really like your idea but the challenge I think you might have is not confusing the reader with the amount of flashbacks you have. I think the movie might be better without all the flashbacks. Maybe cut back? But it is a very good plot.
ReplyDeleteI like how you make it, so that the audience can relate to the main character. It will be a challenge so make the main character show his true emotions, but if you do that it will be great. Just a little touch up and you should be good. Love the Plot.
ReplyDelete